


Love X Letters X Pining

by lucasloverl



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Coming Out, Crying, Embarrassed Killua Zoldyck, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Pining Gon Freecs, Post-Canon, Regretful Gon Freecs, Regretful Killua Zoldyck, Reunions, i love these two so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 00:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20573783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucasloverl/pseuds/lucasloverl
Summary: A year after they parted ways, Gon has many regrets over what happened at the NGL. This year apart has also shown him just how much he loves his best friend. After not having any other option, he writes a letter to Killua to apologize and confess his feelings.





	Love X Letters X Pining

One year ago, the boy named Gon Freeccs found his father after a long journey. After that he lost his purpose in life so he went back home to live a normal life once again. But there’s something else missing or rather someone. Someone who Gon hurt a lot because of his own selfishness. Gon’s best friend.

Killua Zoldyck..

They parted ways a year ago. Killua finally found his goal in life, to protect his little sister. Gon didn’t want to part ways but he knew it was the right time. He was happy that his friend found something that he wanted and if that meant that they had to separate, then so be it. They promised to keep in touch and they have but its just not the same. He wants to be by his best friend’s side just like before.

Gon has many regrets with how things ended up. He hurt his best friend. He said bad things to him. He let his anger get the best of him. It was because of that damn Chimera Ant.

Neferpitou.

The Chimera Ant killed Ging’s friend Kite, who just also happens to be the person who saved Gon’s life when he was younger. He also told the boy about Ging. Actually, he’s the whole reason Gon wanted to become a hunter. If he didn’t know his father was one, maybe Gon wouldn’t have wanted to become a hunter. Maybe he would’ve never met Killua.

It happened in the NGL. They were reckless. They were attacked by the Chimera Ant and Kite was injured while Gon and Killua ran away. Gon was very angry when he found out Kite was changed into a mindless doll by the wicked Chimera Ant.

They went to the NGL to try to convince Pitou to turn Kite back to normal and Gon let it overtake him, his anger and hatred. Its not entirely his fault; the Chimera Ant confused him. Pitou hurt Kite but was trying to save the life of a human girl. Why? Why was Pitou so determined to save the human girl after doing something so evil to Kite? Gon didn’t understand and because he didn’t understand he was pissed.

He wasn’t thinking clearly. And that’s when he hurt Killua. He said that Killua didn’t care at all because he didn’t know Kite. Some part of him knew that saying that hurt his friend’s feelings but he didn’t care. All he cared about at that moment was getting Pitou to help Kite. His anger even caused him to threaten the girl Pitou was so protective of.

Then something else happened. He led Pitou to the city to help Kite and that’s when the Chimera Ant told him the truth; Kite was dead. That brought Gon over the edge and in his despair, he disregarded everything. He no longer cared if he lived or died. He just wanted to kill Pitou.

His selfishness nearly cost him everything. And he knows it really hurt Killua. That’s why Gon didn’t say anything when Killua said he was going to travel the world with Alluka without him. Does Killua even think of him a friend anymore? Even after all of this?

They kept in contact; they spoke on the hone at least once a week and texted each even more often than that. Soon enough Gon felt something else he never felt before. Longing. He wants to be near Killua again. He wants to laugh with him. He wants to see the world with him.

He wants to apologize to him.

….

One day Gon is sitting at his desk doing more schoolwork. He notices his phone on his desk and picks it up. No messages. Killua hasn’t said anything to him in a few weeks. That’s not normal. Did something happen? Or is Killua ignoring him?

Gon shakes his head and sets down his phone. After what happened, he wouldn’t exactly blame Killua. But still...Gon can’t help but be worried. After all if this year without his best friend taught him anything its how much he wants, no, needs Killua around. Maybe its selfish but he really does need Killua around. Every day he’s without Killua is like a dagger to his heart. Why is that? He doesn’t feel this way about Leorio and Kurapika. Sure when he’s not with them, he misses them but not like with Killua. Sometimes he feels like he’ll die without Killua. He then remembers a conversation he had with Aunt Mito a little while ago.

…

“Aunt Mito, what is love?”

Mito looks at Gon for a moment and sighs. She had a feeling Gon would ask sooner or later. He is getting to be that age; he is 14 after all. She sits Gon down on their living room couch and sits next to him.

“What does it mean to want to be more than friends with someone?”

Mito smiles when she realizes just who Gon might be talking about. Who is the one person that Gon always talks about? Who is the one person Gon always says he misses very much? Who is the one person that Gon always talks to over the phone?

“Is this about Killua?” Mito asks and when she sees Gon’s face, she knows she’s right. He has a slight blush on his face but he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

Still blushing, Gon nods.

“Well how do you feel when you think about him?”

“Mm...I feel nice when I think about him. My heart starts beating really fast but in a good way. I really want him around and I miss him a lot.”

“Its been a year since you came home right?”

Gon nods. “Yea and I love being home but I wish Killua was here. Then it’d be perfect. The thought of him not being here with me...it hurts.”

Mito smiles motherly. “Gon, I think you just described what love is.”

“Really?”

She nods. “Yes really. Love is a feeling of always wanting to be with a person. Love is wanting to hold them and protect them. Love is caring for that person no matter what. Love is wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life. Now tell me Gon, you feel that way about Killua, right?”

“Y-Yes,” Gon stammers. “I want him around. I care about him a lot. I want to be with him forever. I want to protect him but...without my nen...”

“That doesn’t matter Gon,” she says. Mito has known about nen for a while. The last time Killua was here with Gon, they saved a foxbear cub with this special power called nen. She doesn’t know anything about it though except Gon apparently can’t use it anymore. “You still want to hold him and protect him, right?”

Gon nods again. “Yea I do. I’m not sure if he wants me to though...I hurt him a lot.”

Mito smiles sadly. Gon had previously told her how he hurt his friend’s feelings before but of course he didn’t go into too many details. He didn’t want his aunt to know that he almost died after all. “Then apologize.”

“Yea...I want to but what if he hates me for it?”

“Gon...” Mito starts, “I don’t know your friend for nearly as long as you do but I remember when you both came to visit that one time. He was so attached to you. You two had so much fun together. I don’t think he’d hate you just like that. Not if he’s really your friend. Besides, you two talk on the phone all the time. Would he still be talking to you if he hated you?”

“I guess not...”

“Talk to him about it. I’m sure he’ll forgive you. Who knows; maybe he already has. Now does that answer your questions?”

Gon pauses for a moment as in deep thought. But a moment later he looks at her an nods. “Yea, thanks Aunt Mito.”

“Good, now go to your room and start on today’s assignment.”

“Ok.” Gon gets off the couch and walks upstairs. Mito watches him go and smiles.

…

Gon sits back in his chair. Does he really love Killua? And if so does Killua feel the same? Or does he hate him? Gon wonders if he should just ask. But then again knowing Killua, he might just get embarrassed and not answer him. If nothing else he should apologize for hurting him. But he’d rather do it in person...

Gon looks at his phone again. If something did happen and Killua can’t answer his phone, then that’s no point in calling or texting. Then Gon remembers that Killua gave him a PO Box number where he’ll always be able to receive stuff. He thinks Killua explained it something like Knov helping him set it up using his ability or something. Not seeing any other option but to write Killua a letter, Gon takes out a pen and paper and begins writing.

_Killua,_

_I’m not sure if you’ll answer this letter. You haven’t called or texted me in weeks and I’m getting worried that you’re hurt or something….or maybe you’re mad at me. I hope you do answer but if not, I guess I understand. _

_Do you remember when we met? It was during the hunter exam. I was attending because I wanted to become a hunter and find my dad. I wasn’t expecting to see another kid my age there. I remember you looked so cool riding that skateboard. I really liked when you stepped off it and flung it back into your hands without even stopping. That was really cool._

_I liked when we raced each other during that first phase. It was really fun and taking that second phase with you was also really fun, even though we bombed it at first. After we passed the second phase though and we were taking that airship to the third phase, I liked when you opened up about yourself . I wasn’t expecting you to say that your parents are assassins _ _though _ _or that you were one too._

_I guess I should’ve been scared but I wasn’t. I could tell that you _ _were_ _ a good person so _ _maybe _ _that’s why I didn’t feel scared at all. And when you said that you hated being an assassin, I knew I was right. You are a good person Killua. I don’t think you were ever meant to be an assassin._ _ Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Not your brother, your parents, or anyone _ _else_ _._

_Even though during the third phase you killed that guy. He was a criminal but still...I wasn’t scared though. Actually as weird as it sounds, you looked so cool during that match. You made your nails grow really sharp and you ripped his heart out _ _in like no time flat_ _. I don’t think you had to crush it though. _

_By the way, can you teach me to grow my nails like that? I always wanted to ask. _

_I’m glad we didn’t get each other’s numbers during the fourth phase by the way. I never want to fight you. Never you. Also I wish I wasn’t so stubborn during the final phase. _ _If I wasn’t I could’ve been awake for your fight with your brother. _ _I could’ve talked to you and maybe _ _your brother wouldn’t have been able to get to you. Maybe you wouldn’t have left like that._

_I’m kinda glad Leorio and Kurapika came with me to your house. I admit I did a few stupid things and I might have died if they weren’t there to help. I’m thankful to them because I was more focused on seeing you than anything els_ _e, including my own safety_ _. And when I met your mother...she was scary but when she said I couldn’t see you, that really made me mad. Why was your family trying to keep me from you? Did they not want you to have friends? Or did they just not like me? _ _I guess it didn’t matter. I was gonna see you no matter what._

_When we went to Heaven’s Arena to make money, I didn’t think we’d learn about something like nen too. I had no idea that something like that existed and you have no idea how happy I was that we learned about it together. Even when I was hurt and you were mad at me, I was happy. I was happy because you wanted to stay by my side through it all. I even heard you tell Mr Wing that you refused to train until I got better because you didn’t want to leave me behind. _

_I’m glad you said that. Really glad. I was also glad that you stuck around while I got even with Hisoka, even though you didn’t have to._

_When we visited Aunt Mito together, I know she was happy I made a friend my age. I was happy too. I was happy because you seemed to really like it here. And anytime you’re happy, I’m happ_ _y. _

_Actually, a_ _nytime I’m with you I’m happy. Even when we argued when we were trying to make money for Greed Island I was happy. I was having so much fun even though I was also kind of frustrated over the situation. _

_I’m glad we were able to play Greed Island together. We trained with Bisky together and I loved it _ _even though it was hard work_ _. _ _But I don’t care that it was hard._ _ I _ _just _ _love it when we’re together_ _ no matter what we’re doing _ _a lot._ _._

_I guess what I really I wanna say is….I love you._

Gon pauses for a moment and blushes when he reads over what he just wrote. When did this become a love letter? Gon briefly considers throwing out the letter and starting again but he changes his mind. Instead he just continues.

_Yea I love you. I love you a lot. Sorry it took me this long to figure it out but I know now I love you for sure. I remember when I was with you, I would feel so nice I couldn’t help but smile all the time. I wasn’t sure what exactly it was at the time but I knew I always wanted to be around you._

_It wasn’t until we separated when I realized. This year apart has been so hard. It kinda...hurts when we’re not together. It feels like a knife is being plunged into my heart. I think they call it heartache?_

_Talking on the phone and texting is nice but I just wanna be near you. I wanna hold you and never let go. Is that selfish? I think it is and if it is it’ll be the last time I’ll be selfish, I promise._

_That is if you still want to be with me._

_I know I hurt you. In the NGL, I said mean things to you. I’m sorry. Pitou really confused me and I was so angry I wasn’t really thinking. But is that an excuse? No its not. There is no excuse for what I did and I hate that I hurt you. _

_I not only said mean things to you but I decided I was ok with dying. _

_When I fought Pitou, I was so overwhelmed by everything I no longer cared if I lived or died. I wanted to kill Pitou and nothing else mattered to me. I didn’t stop to consider your feelings. And I’m sorry._

Its now that Gon realized that he started crying at some point. The paper is getting wet with his tears. He never wanted to go back there, to the time where he hurt the one he loves more than anyone else. The time where he pretty much lost his mind but he needs to apologize. He needs to tell Killua how sorry he is. He shakes his head and continues writing.

_I wasn’t sure exactly what happened after I fought Pitou but when I woke up I was in the hospital. So...I can guess what happened. I must’ve passed out at some point and you carried me to the hospital, right? What were you thinking then? Were you mad? Were you sad? I must’ve been really close to dying. What was it like carrying my half dead body to the hospital? I’m afraid of the answer. If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I imagine it hurt a lot. I know because I can’t imagine thinking of that myself. What if it were you? What if you almost died? What if I had to carry your half dead body to a hospital? I don’t want to think about it. But you actually experienced that. Nothing I do or say can make up for it. I’m sorry._

_I just wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know how sorry I am. I wanted to tell you in person but. I guess I was scared of what you might say. But its ok; I’m not scared anymore. If you want to tell me off or tell me that you hate me for what I did, go ahead. I hate myself and you should too._

_But_

_If you can forgive me, I promise I won’t be selfish again. I promise I’ll consider your feelings when I do stuff. And I won’t do anything that might cause me to die again because I don’t ever want to make you sad ever again. _

_Like I said though, I don’t know if you’ll even answer this letter. Maybe something really did happen. I don’t want to think about it. What if you’re hurt somewhere while I’m just sitting here writing this? I know you’re really strong but what if? Or maybe you hate me. I don’t know but if you do, if I can ask for one more selfish thing, please tell me. That way I can at least know you’re okay. If you hate me, I’ll stop bugging you._

_Love, _

_Gon_

Gon looks over his letter again. Its hard to make out some words because its wet with his tears but he can’t write it again. That was hard to write to begin with. He folds the letter and puts it in an envelope. He’ll ask Aunt Mito to mail it in the morning.

….

About a week passes since Gon had his aunt mail that letter. Gon wasn’t expecting a response at all. In fact, there’s still no calls or texts from Killua. Actually, Gon gave up hope. He really messed up. Killua hates him and there’s nothing he can do about it. He distracts himself by focusing on his schoolwork more.

One day in the afternoon though, Gon is busy at his desk when he hears Aunt Mito calling for him.

“Gon, you have mail!”

Gon arrives a few moments later. “I have mail?”

She hands him the envelope. “Its from your friend.”

“Killua?” Gon grabs the envelope out of Aunt Mito’s hand. “Thanks.”

“You can read it now but make sure you finish today’s homework afterwards.”

Gon nods. “Okay Aunt Mito.” He runs back up the stairs, excited to read Killua’s letter. Excited and scared. Once he gets to his room, he closes the door and opens the envelope. He takes a deep breath and begins to read.

_Hey Gon,_

_I’m actually glad you sent this. I’ve been busy lately and my phone broke. Long story, I’ll explain later. I got a new phone a little later but I forgot your number. Actually I was going to write you but I got this letter first._

_First, let me put your mind at ease. I don’t hate you. How could you even think that dummy? I will admit though that I was mad at you. You were selfish. I hated that you did something so reckless that you almost died. You didn’t consider my feelings at all. But...I can’t stay mad at you. It actually really confused me for a while. I wanted to stay mad at you but I couldn’t. Even if I wanted to hate you I can’t. I could never hate you._

Gon sighs with relief. Killua doesn’t hate him? That’s so good to hear.

_Why would I hate you? You saved my life. Before I met you when I was an assassin, I was called many things. I was called a murder, a monster, a demon, and many other things. But you didn’t call me any of that. You called me your friend. You wanted to get to know me. You wanted to understand me._

_This is actually pretty embarrassing for me to write but when we met, I was interested in you right from the start and when we become friends, I was happy then. I was afraid of making friends. My brother drilled it into me that I wasn’t meant to have friends._

_When you came to my house, I was happy. When I first went home, I was so depressed. I actually wanted to die then. I was ready to live and die as an assassin but hearing that you were there snapped me out of it. You saved me yet again._

_I’ll admit something to you. When we were at Heaven’s Arena, do you remember those guys who kidnapped Zushi and tricked you into fighting before you were ready? I was ready to kill one of them but I thought of you. I knew you didn’t want me to kill him so I just threatened him. I told him never to show his face in front of us again or he I would kill him. I’m sure you’ll be kinda annoyed at me for doing that but at least thinking of you kept me from going back there. You kept me from killing someone._

Gon looks at the letter in confusion. So that’s why that guy didn’t show up to their match? That is kinda annoying but at least Killua resisted killing him.

_You took me with you to your home. I actually thought Whale Island was a pretty boring place at first but after meeting your aunt and seeing where you live, I realized that you were loved there. That was a real family. Nothing like my family at all. And I liked it. I also liked your aunt’s cooking. It was nice. It was nice being in a real home for once. And more so, I liked being with you._

_Do you remember that time we were captured by the phantom troupe? I was ready to sacrifice myself for you without question. I wanted you to get away, even if that meant I would die. But you told me to stop thinking like that. You told me to stop being selfish. That confused the hell out of me but then you said I was the level headed one and you were the selfish one. That...was pretty funny actually. But I could tell what you meant. You trusted me with your life and you didn’t want me to do anything stupid or reckless because all that was your job. Thanks for that. That’s just what I needed to hear then. It was because you said that we were able to get away together. You seem to know how to always say the right thing at the right time._

_When we were playing Greed Island, I liked training together with you even though, yea Bisky was an annoying hag. I overlooked that though because I was with you. I’ll admit that to you._

_The dodge ball game was interesting. When you said you trusted me and only me to hold the ball for you while you hit it at Razor, I was touched. It was the first time someone depended on me like that. Sure my family said they stuff like that but I knew it was a lie. They wouldn’t have cared if I lived or died on jobs. If I died on a job, the only thing it would’ve meant to them was that I wasn’t fit to be their precious heir. But you actually depended on me. That’s why I didn’t care that my hands were getting fucked up; I was happy to do it for you. And I would do it again anytime. I would do anything for you Gon._

_You know you really annoy me sometimes. Your selfishness really bugs me. Sometimes I get really mad at you but the truth is, I love it. I love everything about you._

_This is going to be really embarrassing but...I love you._

_God, I actually said it. I actually said I love you. This is so embarrassing but its true. I love you, Gon Freeccs._

As Gon is reading, a blush forms on his face. Is he reading this right? Killua actually loves him too? Really? He then briefly imagines Killua’s face all read in embarrassment as he writes this and it makes him smile.

_I’ve probably been in love with you since you came to get me at my house. I was so touched that you came all that way for me I began to see you as more than a friend. I wanted more _ _than friendship_ _. I wasn’t really sure what it was _ _at first_ _ I wanted but I figured the more I hung around you, the easier it would be to figure it out. And when we got closer I knew what it was. I realized that I love you with all my heart._

_And then there was that time you dated Palm. I want to tell you the truth here; you deserve it. I...followed you on your date. I didn’t tell you because I thought that you’d be mad. I told myself I was following you because I needed to protect you because your nen was sealed but I think part of me was, you know, jealous._

Gon smiles. He had a feeling Killua followed him on his date. He wasn’t mad though.

_Listen Gon...I hurt you as well and that was one of those times. Do you remember when we fought Knuckle and Shoot? Well you were an idiot and just let Knuckle beat you and guess what? I was an idiot too. Do you know why? I wanted to tell you this before but I couldn’t. I think I was afraid of what you might think. But I guess since you mentioned your regrets, I’ll mention mine. Even though I am still kind of scared of what you might think, its probably for the best that I mention this now._

_Did you notice that I never fought anyone stronger than me? Whenever I did, my brother’s voice appeared in my head. He told me not to fight and to run. I tried to resist but I couldn’t. I was afraid that I’d run away and leave you behind to die. Bisky was afraid of that too. She told me to defeat Shoot or I had to stay out of your life. I knew the stakes so I knew I had to beat him._

_I lost._

_I didn’t run away but I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn’t fight. After you lost against Knuckle and lost access to your nen, I made up my mind. I told myself that I’d protect you for that month and then get out of your life forever._

Gon looks at the letter in confusion. Killua was going to ditch him? But why? He knew Killua wouldn’t leave him to die or anything. He reads on.

_The reason I mention this is because while you were on your date, that Chimera Ant we fought in the NGL but then ran away came back. He had nen abilities but I was ready to fight him to protect you. But it happened again. Illumi’s voice appeared in my head telling me to run. I refused to run away but again I couldn’t fight. I was too scared. But then something happened._

_I felt something in my head and whatever it is I pulled it out. Do you know what it was? It was a needle; Illumi put a needle in my head. I think he was trying to control me because immediately after I pulled the needle out, his voice disappeared. I felt much better after that. I killed the ant immediately after I pulled it out. I’m not using my brother as an excuse for me making up my mind to get out of your life but I changed my mind about that. I guess I became confident that I would never run away and leave you to die after that. Still though, I’m sorry I felt that way._

Gon leans back in his chair. He could tell that Killua wasn’t in the best of spirits back then. Just like he could tell that Killua’s mood improved after his date with Palm. He wasn’t sure back then what exactly changed with his friend but he had a feeling it was something he shouldn’t ask Killua about even though he was curious. Now he knows though and it kinda makes him sad. Gon had no idea Killua was suffering like that. If only he knew…

Gon grits his teeth in anger. Because of Killua’s brother, he suffered so much. If Illumi were here now, Gon isn’t sure if he could control himself. He would definitely give him a good punch in the face if nothing else. How can someone control his brother like that? He doesn’t understand but at least Killua removed the needle. Gon looks down at the letter and continues to read.

_I hate that I felt that way. I even forgot about my little sister because of that damn needle. That needle damn near ruined my life. But enough of that._

_You also asked me about my feelings when you fought Pitou. I know you said I didn’t have to answer but...I will. _

Gon gulps. He sees that the rest of the page is stained with tears. Killua must’ve been crying when he wrote this part. It makes Gon very nervous.

_When you fought Pitou, I took one look at you and I knew that you did something extremely reckless. I knew you would’ve had to give up something but I didn’t know what. After you finished Pitou off though I knew. You turned back to normal but...You have no idea how close you were to death are you? Your heart even stopped a few times. Do you have any idea what its like to have to restart your best friend’s heart? Do you have any idea how scared I was? I was...absolutely terrified. I was so afraid I was going to lose you. I think if I lost you I would’ve wanted to die with you. It was either that or return to my former life as an assassin and you know how much I wouldn’t want to do that. If you died, I’m pretty sure I would’ve killed myself right then and there._

Gon started crying almost as soon as he started reading. Killua was going to kill himself if he died? Does he really mean that much to Killua? Gon can’t help but feel like a horrible person upon reading this. He didn’t realize that his selfishness hurt Killua so much.

_But do you know what the worst part is? _ _Earlier_ _ I mentioned how we were captured by the phantom troupe and you convinced me not to sacrifice myself so you could get away. You trusted me to do the same for you and I failed. I wasn’t there to convince you not to do something so stupid like that. I was scared to follow you and Pitou to where Kite was. I convinced myself and the others that it was the best thing we could’ve done _ _considering_ _ the situation but I knew I was just lying to myself. I was scared that you didn’t want me around. I was scared that you would say something else like that to me. _ _I was just scared._

_I’m a coward. And because I’m a coward I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. We could’ve fought Pitou together but instead I just left you alone because I was scared. I failed you and I’m really sorry for that Gon._

Gon pauses. Did Killua really feel this way, like he failed? Gon sets the letter down for a moment as his crying gets more intense. How could Killua think that? He’s not the one who failed Gon. Its the other way around. Gon doesn’t understand how Killua could possibly blame himself for any of this.

After a few moments, he tries to look at the letter again. As much as it hurts, he knows he should continue reading.

_While I was able to get you to a hospital I knew you still were dying. But I remembered about Alluka and how she could grant wishes. I didn’t want to use my little sister like that but I knew she was your only hope. It was my best chance to get her away from my batshit crazy family so that was good but I mostly risked it for you. I went home for you. I risked dealing with my family for you. I risked Illumi getting her for you. I wanted you to get better. I need you Gon. And I knew if I failed, you really would have died. Then...I’m sure you can guess what I would have done._

Gon gulps. He knows Killua might have...if he failed. So for Killua’s sake, Gon is glad he succeeded. And he is very thankful for that.

_I’ve been having nightmares about it. Every time I went to sleep I would always dream about the same thing, me failing to save you. Sometimes I refused to sleep for days because I didn’t want to risk another nightmare. I guess its a good thing I can go without sleep for a few days, huh? But I guess those nightmares slowed over time. They haven’t stopped completely yet though. Maybe they’ll never stop. Or maybe I just need to see you._

Killua is even having nightmares? That makes Gon feel even worse. This never would’ve happened if it wasn’t for him and his selfishness.

_But please, don’t feel bad. I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad. Although knowing you, I’m sure you do feel bad but please stop. Please don’t cry. Please don’t feel like a horrible person. And please don’t hate yourself. You are light Gon. You are the light that lights up my darkness. You can’t go there. You can’t go to the darkness. Never again. Please, for me? Even when you’re sad, you get over it quickly and I love that about you. Please don’t change that._

_I guess...I needed to tell someone about it and I didn’t want to talk to Alluka about it. I’m sorry though. I’m sorry I bothered you with my fears. None of it came true after all. You’re alive and well. I mean I know you don’t have your nen anymore but at least you’re alive. You’ll get it back one day, I’m sure of it._

When he reads this, Gon tries to dry his tears. He knows Killua is right. He wouldn’t want him to cry so he shouldn’t. But those nightmares...maybe if Killua were here, Gon could help him get over it and help stop those nightmares. Maybe…

_Gon, can I ask one more thing? _

One more thing? Now Gon is curious.

_You don’t have to but if you want to, please look outside._

Outside? Curiously, Gon walks to his bedroom window and looks outside. Once he does, he gets an incredible surprise.

“Killua!!!”

Killua is just standing there smiling. Gon wasn’t expecting this at all. He wasn’t expecting Killua to suddenly visit like this.

“Hey Gon.”

“You’re here!” In his excitement, Gon opens his window and jumps out to greet his friend.

“Whoa what the hell?” Killua exclaims before he uses Godspeed to rush over to Gon and catch him as he jumps out of the window. After he catches Gon, he’s holding him bridal style.

“Gon what the hell was that about?” Killua demands. “You know you don’t have nen anymore dummy. You could’ve broken a few bones.”

“I know,” Gon starts, “But I knew you would catch me.”

A little annoyed, Killua looks away. “Seriously I just arrived and you already did something stupid.”

“Aww I’m sorry Killua.” Gon reaches up and gives Killua a little kiss on the cheek. This surprises Killua so much he blushes intensely and drops Gon.

“Oww...” Gon starts rubbing his sore butt.

“Dammit Gon! Don’t just sneak that up on me!” Killua exclaims.

“But I wanted to do that for so long...”

Looking away, Killua says, “Yea well you could’ve at least waited.”

Gon looks down in shame. “Sorry...”

Killua looks down at his friend and smiles a little. He sighs. “I guess it can’t be helped. We haven't seen each other in so long and….well whatever,” he says, unable to say anything more out of embarrassment. “Here, let me help you up,” He holds his hand out and helps Gon to his feet. Then he pulls the black haired boy into a kiss. This surprises Gon but he eagerly returns the kiss and while they are kissing, they hear the front door open. Alluka rushes out and upon seeing her big brother kissing the boy he loves, she smiles.

“Oh it looks like you two made up,” she says.

Killua pulls away from Gon in embarrassment and looks away, still blushing intensely. “Dammit Alluka, I thought I told you to wait inside.”

“But Big Brother,” she whines, “I wanted to see if you two made up.”

And without missing a beat, Killua replies with, “This isn’t one of your romance novels you know; this is real life.”

Alluka giggles. “I know but after many months of you talking about how you miss Gon and how you want to hug and kiss him I-”

“Stop it Alluka!” Killua exclaims in extreme embarrassment. He glances over at Gon who is a little red in the face and he quickly turns away and covers his own face, trying to hide his blush from his friend and his sister. “Ugh seriously don’t embarrass me like this.”

“We can do that stuff if you want Killua,” Gon says, his face still red.

Killua slowly turns back to Gon and uncovers his still red face. “I-I know that dummy! But hearing my little sister talking about my love life is so embarrassing,” he whines.

“Ok sorry Big Brother; I won’t embarrass you further,” Alluka says with a knowing smirk.

Mito comes out of the house a few moments later. “Oh honestly Gon, I know you’re excited about seeing your friend but you could have at least used the door,” she scolds.

“Er...sorry Aunt Mito,” Gon says. His face is still red from earlier and Mito definitely sees that.

“Oh dear, were we interrupting anything?”

“N-No!” Killua exclaims.

“I was just so surprised when Killua suddenly showed up I just...”

“I know Gon,” Mito says with a smile. “Just don’t forget about today’s homework.”

Gon nods in agreement. “Yea I won’t.”

“Oh so I kept you from your homework huh?” Killua asks with a grin.

“Yea kinda...” Gon says with a sheepish grin.

“Well I’ll just go then,” Killua replies playfully.

“No don’t!” Gon exclaims as he reaches around his friend and pulls him into a hug. “Please don’t leave me!”

Killua smiles a little and returns the hug. “You know I wouldn’t want to do that. I was joking.”

“Please don’t joke like that Killua. I need you...”

“Same here Gon. I really missed you.”

“I missed you too. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you so much. You know, that mess with Pitou….I was stupid. I promise not to do anything like that again.”

“I know you won’t. And I forgive you.”

“I didn’t know you were having nightmares about-”

Killua frowns a little. His nightmares are certainly not pleasant to talk about. “Yea...but don’t worry about it. They’re just dreams, right? They never come true because you’re here now, right? You’re alive and that’s all that matters. I love you Gon.”

“I love you too Killua and I am really sorry I put you in that position. I’m sorry you had to do all that.”

“Idiot...I already said I forgive you. Besides, I’m sor-”

“No! Don’t say you’re sorry too!”

Killua looks at his friend in surprise. “Huh?”

“You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who messed up, not you.”

Killua smiles sadly, “You know that’s not true. I wasn’t there for you. If I was...”

“And I’m telling you that it wasn’t your fault! Please believe me Killua; I don’t want you to think that you failed me or anything like that. It was all my fault. Nothing was your fault. Nothing at all.”

Killua doesn’t say anything and just hugs Gon tighter. There’s that trademark stubbornness Gon is known for. Sometimes that stubbornness really annoys Killua but not this time. This time he’s thankful for it. In fact, sometimes Killua really loves Gon’s stubbornness..

“Killua?”

“Thanks Gon. Thanks for that. I think I really needed to hear those words. You know part of me really blamed myself for what happened to you.”

“Please don’t blame yourself. Its all my fault and I’m sorry.”

“I know...but please let’s stop talking about that now.”

“Okay.”

Alluka and Mito don’t say anything and just let the boys continue their hug. After a few moments, Killua pulls away from Gon. “Come on; I’ll help you with your homework.”

Gon nods. “Right. Thanks Killua.” Gon takes Killua’s hand and they both excitingly run inside and up the stairs. Mito and Alluka walk inside after them and as the boys are rushing to Gon’s room, Mito yells after them. “Dinner is in a few hours boys,” she says, “so you two take a bath soon.”

Gon pauses. “Ok Aunt Mito.” Then he remembers finding it weird that Killua showed up just after he finished reading his letter so he then turns to Killua to ask. “Oh yea how did you do that?”

“Do what?” Killua asks, confused.

“I read your letter and you put in the letter to look outside. You were standing there. How’d you know when I’d get it?”

Alluka giggles. “It was part of Big Brother’s plan,” she explains. “He wrote that letter and delivered it in person to your aunt. He wanted to surprise you.”

“Really?” Gon asks. He looks at his friend who looking away in embarrassment.

“Well...yea I wanted to meet up with you but I didn’t want to just say in my letter, ‘Oh I’m coming to visit,’ and make you wait a week or so for me to arrive. Like Alluka said, I wanted to surprise you.”

“Oh. Wait so you knew Aunt Mito?” Gon asks his aunt.

She laughs. “I did. He wrote me a letter first saying he was going to surprise you and asked me not to tell you. He knows I can keep a secret.”

“Aww...” Gon pouts.

Killua smiles and pats Gon on the head. “But it was a good surprise, right?”

Gon looks up at him and smiles. “Yup! It was a great surprise!”

“I’m glad. I really missed you Gon.”

“Yup! I missed you too!”

“Now let’s go.”

“Right!” Gon leads his best friend to his room and closes the door behind them. Things are defiantly looking up for those two.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it. I think its easy to assume that Gon and Killua both have regrets over what happened during the Chimera Ant arc but in the end, they'll be stronger because of it, right?


End file.
